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Below are the 13 most recent journal entries recorded in Haltijatar's LiveJournal:

Thursday, June 21st, 2001
9:51 am
i am so incredebly sunburned! ack! i lookk like a big strawberry, and i hurt. being with Denise makes me feel so unmotivated. she gets up every morning at 5:00 to run 5 miles, and comes back to get ready for summer school, which she is taking so she can take AP biology next year. She gets back from summer school at 12:30, and then leaves for swimming practice at 3:40, and she gets back at 7:30. i mostly sit on my lazy ass. Amy is back now, but she leaves tomorrow night. i really like Amy, but she is a hard person for me to be friends with. i really look up to her, and i feel uncomfortable around those kind of people, i always feel as i am about too say the wrong thing. i want to crawl into a little corner and hide. i should do something today. i wish Amy and i couuld staay here iin Bakersfield forever. i could go to school here. GODDAMMMMIT all the keyboard letters are sticking, and i am tired of fixing it. grr. i talked to my dad yesterday before he left for alaska. he said "love you" to me for the firsst time i can remember. my dad is not an affectionate person. he is also not communicative. we communicate mostly in short phases and grunts. i was very surprized that my dad would ssssay something like that. he also signed off before i had chance to say it back. what a chickenshit. i hate not liking guys, because Amy and Denise are always talking about them, and i really don't get it. "isn't he hot?" "uh, yeah..." i don't freakingly well know, i don't care. growl. Amy's mother left her drivers licence in Oregon, so when her car broke down in yreka, she could not rent a car, so they had to take the greyhound. Amy was so pissed. Amy is onlly 19, and you have to be 21 to rent a car. heh.

Current Mood: discontent
Monday, June 18th, 2001
9:57 am
i suddenly hit an inexplicable depression, i feel mopy and sad. stupid love. i hate love, i hate people who are in love, i hate people who you are in love with, i hate having to be dependant on everyone i care about. i hate people in love with me, and i hate that i can't do anything about it, and i hate that relationships can never work. i really wish i was asexual. i hate people, i hate boys, i hate girls, i hate that i really don't hate them. *angst*

Current Mood: crushed
8:46 am
Monday i flew down to San Jose to bury my grandma. we returned on Wednesday, so i could take finals on Thursday and Friday, before flying down to Bakersfield on Saturday. I am now in Bakersfield, and i am happy as a clam. Harriet and Amy are here too! wee! my cousin Denise has summer school, so that sucks. I love my dads side of the family, they are all kneet. my mother's side however... that is creepy (evil laughter.) i boought a swim suit for the first time in 2 years, and we have been swimming in Denise's back yard, because it is consistantly over 100 degrees. I am so very pleased to see my friends again after not seeing them since last summer. I went downtown on Friday to apply for jobs with Andi. I went to the job fair for Borders books, and i got a last minuet interview. I did very well, and my resume looked good, so i got another interview. out of 500 people who applied that day, i got called back, wee! i also went to Happy aTrails and bought a few cds. I finally got the "Scarlet" cd. It is really good, so everyone should go buy it, and if you live anywhere around corvallis, go see them live. i love my non-existant grammar. and punctuation. and the fact that i just made "and punctuation" a complete sentence. i cannot spell. we are going to go toilet paper this guys house this weeek, it will be fun, we will go get the cheap 24 packs of toilet paper, and get his trees. he toilet papered Denise's house on Saturday morning, so we must get him back. Amy has a new boyfriend now, so she is going to go meet his parents in Irvine today and tomorrow. she will come back here on Thursday. other then that, not too much exciting has happened. yeah, g'bye

Current Mood: cheerful
Sunday, June 10th, 2001
8:50 pm
yesterday morning i went over to my grandmother's at the nursing hame, because she was failing in health, and mom wanted me to go over with her. My uncles planned to come to see her in just two weeks, but that seemed to be too long of a wait, so my mom called them, and Cregg was to fly up that day, and Kevin was to fly in today. After about a half hour, my grandma looked bad enough for my mom to call Kevin and tell him to come up that day. Not but a half hour after that, my grandmother died. We called Kevin and told him not to come, but Cregg was already at the airport, and we could not stop him. When Cregg got here we went out to dinner, and all was ok. my mom is not too upset, and niether was i. i think that i am really desensitized to death, maybe it is because i worked in a nursing home, but death does not upset me at all. i really don't care, even my own grandma. this seems unnatrual to me. Opinions on this? we are leaving tomorrow morning to go to California for the funeral. We spent all day shopping for my dad, he had nothing to wear, not even jeans with out holes. We bought a sports jacket, a shirt, slacks, socks and shoes. i already have a black dress to wear. i am also going to sing Amazing Grace, even though i hate crowds and have horrible stage fright. i am also missing most of the last week of school. that means that i will have no time to make things up, and my grades will fall sonofabitch. anyway... i am also missing graduation which would be my last chance to say goodbye to many of my friends, and also a party afterwards for another friend. I am pissed about being gone for three days, not my grandma, i am sooo fucked up. i have to pack. grr... oh well.

Current Mood: annoyed
Thursday, June 7th, 2001
9:33 pm
i auditioned for consert choir at my school and results were supposedly posted today, but i am too nervous to look, grr... i finished my essay WEE! it is alll about my political carreer, and it is quite good. YEAH!
4:34 pm
this box that i am typing in says "event" but i never really have any events to write about, just boring ramblings of a pretentious 15 year old. if that is the kind of thing you enjoy, keep reading. i have to take this class next year that is one social studies credit, two english, and one health. it sounds like an ok class, but i don't know... we'll see. tomorrow is the last day of school for a great deal of my friends. all of the seniors get out tomorrow, but the rest of us still have a week. i chilled with lacey and charlie, which was fun, i guess. i skipped spanish though, so basically if i am either late, or absent in that class again, i get credit denial. ick. i have an essay to write about my life anywhere from 10 to 1000 years in the future. i think i will style it like a eulogy. it will be different then most people's time machine stories. it will be about my presidency and such... i am going to go to interzone with molly to work on it, although i am not sure how much i will acctually get done. i really like these sesemr street cookies. Mmm. i want money. and a bagel. tomorrow i an going to go to Lacey's and hopefully get drunk with Charlie, and people. Charlie kicks major ass. i want to pierce my nipples again... maybe this summer. i can't wait till i go to Bakerfield and see my cousin. Wee! I watched Monty Python and the Holy Grail last night, and then reenacted most of it today in study hall with a group of friends. it was funny.

Current Mood: impatient
Wednesday, June 6th, 2001
9:50 pm
today was... interesting. i found out that a friend had been sleeping with the guy who likes me, and she missed a period. we skipped first period to go to Fred's and get a pregnancy test. I went up and bought the thing, then we went into the bathroom to take the test, but she couldn't pee, so we went outside and bought a soda from the machine and then she chugged it and tried again. The saleslady kept following us around, and we were cracking up (out of nerves) while playing with silly string. She went into the bathroom to try again, so we went in and she did her thing. we are pretty sure it read negitive, but we may have to try again later. I was angry at her, for not being protected, and to allow herself to be used by a guy, who does not really like her. school was un-eventful, but this evening i went to my neighbors house, she is like my adoptive grandma. We talked for a while, and i stayed for dinner. We got into an argument about weather or not i was natrually blond (i am not) then we played dominoes before i went home and got drunk and watched Monty Python. I talked to Becca, which was fun. she in kneet. i should study for spanish, but i am apathetic and lazy. i should also write an essay for english. i hate apathy and laziness. grr. i wrote a page in Andi's yearbook, and she wrote in mine. it was a really nice thing she wrote, and it made me cry. i feel so sappy. this is one of those times when i just want to be held. i want someone to hold me in their arms and comfort me. i want to fall asleep in someone's arms. i feel really alone at the moment. i want to get out of this place, i want to go see something, do something, even for just a weekend. i talked to Jan Elliot, and i think i will take fresh start next year, accademiclly it is REALLY easy, but atleast i will catch up in credits. i missed six weeks last semester, so i am really behind. i have a very short attention span. my neighbor says i always have, i wouldn't even be able to let her read to me for more then five minuets before i was bored. i am sleeeepy.

Current Mood: lonely
Monday, June 4th, 2001
9:22 pm
hey everybody, it is my half-birthday, everyone wish me a happy half-birthday! woo. go me. mom still says no drivers permit for Amanda, damn bitch whore.
9:19 pm
i bought sesame street graham cracker cookies. they are quite good
9:07 pm
i had an overall good weekend. on Friday we had a yearbook signing party at school that i went to. not many people i know were there, but it was ok. i also yelled mean things at Nichole, which i had put off for far too long. i enjoyed that thoroughly. saturday i was supposed to do something with djay, but ditched him and went to see Pearl Harbor with molly. the movie wasn't over until 1:30am, when we went back to molly's and ate grilled cheese sandwiches and played chess. sunday i did absolutely nothing, which i don't feel to badly about. i did, however go and see my grandma and grandpa in the nursing home and fed them dinner. today was uneventful. i skipped humanities to chill with andi, who i fear i am drifting away from, but we did go to la conga for lunch. i bought a 99 cent bag of saltwater taffy, and i ended up giving most of it away. we appearantly had an assembly that i did not go to, i havent been to a pride assembly yet. i wrote a full page in Andi's yearbook, even though i will just see her tomorrow anyway. i have never been friends with anyone for much more then a year. we always either drift apart, or they move away. the only person i still do things with, that i knew before this year is molly. i have always ended up having really dependant relationships with people, which is very unhealthy, and can potentially scare people away. i am getting reallly frusterated with the damn freshman boy who is in love with me. he wont give up. grr... i am so araid of sex. with guys or girls, it just scares me. *cringe* ick.
Thursday, May 24th, 2001
6:10 pm
i know i have been depressed lately, but irefuse to take anti-depressants (i can't drink when i take them) blah. i have Out and About tonight, that should be amusing. i think Tory and Maddy will be there, i hope so...
5:48 pm
i realize i have no live journal, so i have decided to change all that and start one. Meh. i have a terrible headache... i must be dehydrated.
i tryed out for consert choir the other day, and i did okay. i think i got in. i also tryed out for vocal jazz, but that was just for fun, since it is mainly seniors. i would like to be able to scat though.
i have missed being drunk, it had been awy to long before yesterday... i should drink more often. this could be the cause of my headache. i would like to try mushrooms sometime (anyone who lives near me and wants to help me out with this is very welcome)

Current Mood: grumpy
Saturday, February 3rd, 2001
7:50 pm
blah. Today Steph came over and we worked on my poetry anthology. I have no artistic talent whatsoever, but just about all of my good friends do. So we did that and just kinda hung out for about four hours. other then that, not much happening in my little world. Umm... I talked to MoRlly yesterday for the first time in a long time :) That is the main reason for my lil update here. I also heard from Margaret and Meera :) Both seem to be doing well, but Margaret appearently has nerve damage in her feet as a result of frost bite and will probably never feel her feet again. I start school on Monday, new semester. My schedule is as follows:
1. American Humanities/english
2. American Humanities/Social studies
3. Reading/writing
4. Reading/writing
5. German 1
6. German 1
7. BioPhysical Foundations
8. Study hall
no electives for Amanda :( I saw John at Fred's. Said "hi." Also saw Matt :) I really have nothing to say, which should be appearant by now. I am frusterated because I am forbidden to see my friends who are 19 because of the age difference (four years.) even if they come over here with my parents home. Meh. My mother irritates me. But I suppose that is her job... atleast she sees it that way. Well I guess I'll be off -_-_-_ZOOM!

-Haltijatar

Current Mood: irritated
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